Preplanning the Funeral

My father died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack on a Friday evening in May when I was 22 years old. There was never a thought that Dad might die. He was the rock that supported everything we did as a family. We had no plan in place for this moment. Nothing prepared us for the pain and sorrow we were feeling. In the midst of the pain and shock of his dying, my family had to make many decisions – about the funeral, about a burial place, about a grave marker, about family finances, about the future…

In the 35 years I have been a priest, I have had many opportunities to walk with families who are in the midst of grief over the unexpected death of a loved one. Like my own family, they are unprepared for the grief and all the decisions that must be made in a short period of time. We live in an age in which most families almost never discuss the subject of death and dying. Even though we see and read about death in newspaper and television reports every day, this still does not help us talk about and prepare for the reality of our own dying.

When my mother died in 2007, we were better prepared. Sad as it was to say goodbye, it was much easier because she had prepared for her dying and prepared us for her dying. She had learned from my father’s death and did not want us to go through the same thing again. There was no surprise since she was dying of cancer and she spoke openly about her approaching death. But even more so, out of love for us, she had made decisions about the funeral, the casket, the grave marker and much more. Having all those decisions made for us gave my siblings and I a chance to focus on her life, on our relationships and on our faith.

I recommend to everyone, young and old, to help their loved ones by having plans in place in the event that they die sooner than expected. The Wall Street Journal had an article in its February 2nd edition about helping surviving spouses confront the unexpected financial hassles arising from the death. They gave advice such as keeping usernames and passwords of online accounts in a secure but available spot, making sure that both spouses’ names are on all assets, unwinding joint accounts with care.

We humans are, by our very nature, relational. We seek to love and be loved throughout our lives. Each of us wants to have a small but enduring place in the hearts of our loved ones. Our whole life long we work at this goal.  If we think that our loved one’s emotional longing for us will cease when we die, we are fooling ourselves and being unjust to them. It is a very loving thing we do for our spouse, our children and other family members to offer them our thoughts and plans in the event of our death.